Fading
by Carousel
Summary: She just said something to make him laugh. If I had been paying any attention to their words I could probably tell you how stupid what she said was, but I wasn’t. All I hear are my thoughts growing louder and all I see is the way he looks her.


**Fading**

And here I am. Watching him from the corner of my eye and wondering how he could feel anything for her. Anything at all. Sure she's nice, but is she really what he wants?

This question has been plaguing me for weeks and will continue to do so though I try not to let it show...

You know, I thought he felt the same way about me as I do him. Doesn't he realize I love him more than anyone or anything? Doesn't he see that for every moment he spends loving her a part of me breaks?

She just said something to make him laugh. If I had been paying any attention to their words I could probably tell you how stupid what she said was, but I wasn't. All I hear are my thoughts growing louder and all I see is the way he looks her.

It used to be a look reserved for me and me alone. I can't even remember the last time he looked at me that way. Weeks ago? Months ago? Perhaps even years ago…

I sometimes wonder if he even needs me anymore. He could continue on making joke products without me. He could continue to play pranks on unsuspecting classmates without me. And surly he can continue to fall in love with someone other than me.

I'm fading from him and it kills me.

I should be happy for him, shouldn't I? I should let him love her because it's what he wants. What I want with him is wrong in the eyes of everyone; why wouldn't he want to be normal? They can share their relationship with the world. We would have to hide ours... I suppose it's better this way. They can be together while I live under my façade of his happy other half.

Other half... I'm not even that anymore am I? People can't live with only half of them. He can obviously do well without me, but will I be able to live without him? Why doesn't he realize I can't?

When exactly did we lose the ability to read each other? I'm betting it was probably around the same time he stopped looking at me that way.

Or maybe he knows and doesn't care. Maybe he thinks my feelings will subside if he ignores them. I honestly don't know anymore.

"George?"

"Yeah?" I answer with a half smile.

"Are you going to come with me and Angelina to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

It used to be the two of us who would go together.

"Nah, I don't think I'm up to being the third wheel," I reply with a bit of a chuckle avoiding their eyes, "I think I'll stay here and coax the first years into trying out some of our latest developments."

"You wouldn't be the third wheel but if you really don't want to come then try and get some good test subjects." He says with a smile, "Good thinking Georgie."

Yeah, great thinking. I'll be stuck in the castle feeding Balding Bubblegum to a bunch of mindless first years while they are out fucking each other into further oblivion. I frown to myself at the thought.

"What's wrong?"

Bloody hell; he was still watching me.

"Nothing."

"You sure?"

"Course, I'm quite alright."

But Fred doesn't turn away and for one moment I think he understands. Our eyes meet and I am sure he understands. Even if he only understands that I'm upset.

"I know you better than that," he whispers to me.

"Do you Fred? At one point I believed that as well."

I look at the disbelieve in his eyes and force myself not to say anything else that could ruin what we have. I can't throw away our friendship because I adore him while he sees me as nothing more than his twin, but I know I will if I don't get out of here soon. So I do what any coward in this situation would, I get out of the Great Hall as fast as I can without running.

In the slight chance he thought I was okay, I'm sure this confirmed to him that I'm not.

Why do I have to do this to him? Can't I just keep my mouth closed for five minutes? Better yet, can't I keep my mind closed off from thoughts of him?

Of course not.

It really is surprising that I can still tolerate to be around them both when all it seems I do these days is remember the sweeter moments we had shared.

Like the first time we kissed.

It was two days before Christmas. We were nine and had just witnessed Bill kissing some girl he brought home from Egypt under the mistletoe. Both of us being curious boys, we retreated up to our room and swapped stories.

_"Well that looked nice," I said hesitatingly._

_"Yeah…er.. George?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Have you ever kissed anyone before?" Fred asked me with a slight blush._

_"No. Have you?"_

_"No," He smiles looking a bit relieved. "Do you want to?"_

_That was when I blushed. "Right now?"_

_"Yeah. That way when people talk about it we will know what it's like too."_

_"Er, Okay."_

And then he stepped closer to me. I like to imagine he smelled of the gingerbread cookies we were eating earlier but that might just be a smell I insert when I reflect upon this moment. I do remember being really nervous though and I think he was as well judging from the small, nervous smile he gave me.

_I closed my eyes and his lips were pressed against mine. It only lasted about two seconds before he pulled away._

_"There!" He said smiling triumphantly._

_I just nodded with a smile of my own and wondered if he felt as great as I did at that moment._

Well I guess I now know the answer to that. I'm not sure if he even considers that as his first kiss. When he and Angelina swap stories, does he tell her that I was the first his lips graced or does he skip me and tell her about the second person? Probably the latter. Or if he does tell her it was me I bet he says that we were just two brothers horsing around.

Damn, I really need to stop this. Maybe I should go to St. Mungo's and give Lockhart a visit. I hear he's amazing at casting obliviate and could help me with this bloody predicament. I know it's a nasty thing to say that I would rather forget these memories but it's only because I think about them far too often. I'd rather go to Mungo's looking for Lockhart rather than going because I've lost it. And let's face it: I think I have.

I can try and blame Fred. I can sit here in the stands of the quidditch pitch and convince myself that he started this all. Maybe if he hadn't kissed me that night. Maybe if he had never let me believe we could be more than best friends and brothers then maybe I would be okay right now. I could also try and blame Bill and the nameless girl he kissed, but no, it's not their fault. If anything the fault lies within whoever decided mistletoe would be used to get someone to kiss you. I bet it was an ugly middle-aged guy who wanted a different sort of Christmas present. Yeah, I blame him…

Damn, I really have gone nutters.

But not enough to show the world. The Weasley family is odd enough without adding the fact that I want to be with my twin brother.

"George?"

The wanker. Doesn't he know I don't want to see him right now?

Without turning around I reply, "Yes Fred?"

"What the hell was that all about?"

He moves to sit right next to me.

"Forget it. It was about something that's been bugging me and I took it out on you."

"George," he pauses, "does it have to with me?"

"Remember when we were younger, about seven or so and we were playing the murder game with Bill, Charlie, and Ron?"

"The one where one of us is the chosen murderer and has to 'kill' someone in a dark room?"

"Yeah that's the one. Do you remember when you 'killed' me in the dark?"

He smiles at this and nods.

"When I had to guess who the murderer was I never even thought of it being you. Even in my seven-year-old mind I couldn't begin to think that you would do that to me, even if it were only a game. The reason I couldn't is because I would never do that to you. I wish I could have. At least that way I'd be prepared."

He stays silent for a few seconds and I wonder what is going on in his head.

"George?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't kill you again."

I smile at him and playfully shove him on the shoulder.

"Course you won't."

Because dear Freddy, you already have. And this time it wasn't pretend.

**A/N:** Now I don't know if this should be a one-shot or if I should continue. Hopefully I will get some feedback and see what happens from there. Reviews are very welcome. :]


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